A Talk Show (what is the pig flu in fact?)

Anotace: A humorous would-be screenplay to a talk show about something similar to the "pig flu".

A TALK SHOW (by Jan Elgroth Talvinen)

(applause)
Welcome to 'London Daily Talk' on Channel 6. Today, we have a very special guest here, because of the new pandemic coming to Europe... Welcome Susan Smith!!!
(applause, no one coming, hums in the audience)
Well, you seem surprised that no one came, but in fact, Susan is sitting now right here beside me on this very chair.
(a cough from nowhere, then a voice is heard from the same place)
Hello. (coughs)
Susan is suffering from a rare disease, a pandemic in China and western Asia. Now it is coming to Europe, Susan being the first European to be infected. Am I right, Susan?
(coughs) Yes, right.
Why don't you tell us something more about your illness?
Well, (coughs) It's called (sneezes) It's called the inbsshhhhlity (repeatedly coughs)
(hands a napkin, that seems to be flying in the air, then crumples itself and flies to the bin at hand) Could you repeat that please?
(takes a deep breath) The invisibility flu.
Are there any symptoms to it?
(laughs and sneezes) Can't you see for yourself?
Well, as a matter of fact, I can't.
And that's the problem... It's (coughs) an invisibility flu, so I'm invisible. Tha.. (sneezes) That's the 'symptoms'.
Let us call now our medical expert, Dr. Hawthorne.
(dials the phone, it rings)
Hello.
It's 'London Daily Talk' on Channel 6. Are we speaking to Dr. Nicolas Hawthorne?
On the phone. What is it you need?
I just wanted to ask some expertise concerning the Invisibility flu.
Ah, that. What do you want to know?
Can you tell us some specific data about this illness?
Well, it is very much like the ordinary flu, the symptoms are cough, sore throat, sneezing and sometimes increased temperature.
(coughs and sneezes, uses another 'flying napkin')
Any 'special' features?
Well, you can't ever misdiagnose, because the first apparent symptom you can see is that you cannot see the patient. Also, the incubation period is somewhat shorter than with the 'ordinary' flu - it is a matter of hours, sometimes even minutes.
How infectious is the IVF?
Just like the ordinary influenza. By air, sometimes by touch or usage of the same items with the infected person.
Is the illness lethal?
Indirectly.
What do you mean by that?
Well, it can be cured by ordinary medicine, herbal tea etc., but the patients are strictly reccomended to stay at home. Otherwise it can easily happen, that they for example get ran over by a car with no guilt at the driver's side. Thus they can put themselves and not only themselves at lethal danger.
Oh, I see.
(sneezes)
Thank you, Dr. Hawthorne, for the information.
You're welcome, good evening.
Well, Susan, have you had any difficulties getting to our studio?
No, not really. I came by my car and all went well. Only I realized people looking at me quite often, and looking quite scared then. (coughs) Oh, and some people literally bumped into me when I walked the corridor to the studio, but that happens all the time.
Oh, now I'm getting information from the director that our time is almost up. So I'd like to thank you all (waves to the audience), thank you, Susan, I really appreciate you coming here (shakes hands with her). I hope you'll get well soon. That's all for today. Tomorrow, we will have another interesting information to share, until then, have a nice time! (moderator starts to disappear)
(applause, end credits)